Regionals Abridged
by dollfacen'pipe
Summary: Season 2 episode REGIONALS  i don't know the number, do you?  in ParodyVision. Since I especially love Klaine, I especially mock it. Read and Review, it makes me happy. Language and sh%t, beware!


BLAINE: I have arrived! Now you may start your doo-wopping, my less-attractive minions! *tosses papers in air*

PAPERS: What a snob. *disgruntled muttering*

WARBLERPODS: Huzzah! A purpose in life! *harmonizing* BUM BA DA BUM…

INVISIBLE DRUM MACHINES: Here they go again…

KURT: I AM DISENCHANTED.

BLAINE: Is something wrong, my gay little pony?

KURT: I'm in love with you, asshole.

BLAINE: Haha, I do not recognize your increasingly desperate stairs or advances. So what's really wrong?

KURT: Well, you could scooch your dapper ass outta the spotlight and give the rest of us COUGH *ME* a chance.

BLAINE: (dapperly) Ha ha ha ha! Oh, how you amuse me, Kurtey-dear. Not a chance, bitch.

SCENE CHANGE

QUINZILLA: IMMAH DO A MONOLOGUE ABOUT HOW GREAT I AM. And, in case we haven't rehashed this plot enough, I HATE YOU RACHEL BERRY!

AUDIENCE: Bitch, nobody cares.

SCENE CHANGE

KURT: It's so nice to have someone to talk to.

PAVORATTI: *dead.*

BACK IN WARBLERLAND

KURT: Oh my FRIEND! My one and only COMRADE! God, my BREAKING HEART.

DATASIANDUDE: *Proffers Kleenex.* That's right, let it out, hon. We suddenly believe in emotion.

CONTINUITY: Hey, didn't you guys insinuate that you'd, I dunnaknow, fuckin MURDER him if the bird died?

DATASIANDUDE: SHUTUP.

KURT: I'm just so distraught. Howabout I sing a solo in front of you all? Pavarotti would have wanted it.

WARBLERS: Isn't that kinda exploitive—

KURT: GREAT, you agree. LAAAAAA…

AUDIENCE: That's right, Kurt, sing ANOTHER bloody song to him…not that anything's gonna happen…goddamn bloody Hobbit…

BLAINE: What is this feeling? Deep inside me? *looks down at lap* WHY, you've never done THAT before!

AUDIENCE: Wait, was that a moment? FUCK!

BACK AT MCKINLEY

SCHUESTER: Guys, for plot purposes, we're NOT gonna be able to repeat a single one of the songs we've been NOT practicing for regionals.

NUDE ERECTIONS: Wait, you don't think it's…

SUESPLOSION: ME! Now time for chapter four of Sue's Sexual Exploits!

SCHU-MAN: I got places to be, sorry.

RACHEL: Howzabout we write songs!

NUDE ERECTIONS: fat chance, you frumpy ho! Nobody loves you!

QUINN + DUMBASS: Yah, I guess we could.

NUDE ERECTIONS: That sounds like a FANTASTIC idea, now that The Bitchy Blonde One and the Village Idiot have supported it!

BRIT: I thought I was the Village Idiot…

SANTANA: I NEVER LOVED YOU. (cue sappy piano track 1)

SANTANA: and STOP HAUNTING ME, SAPPY MUSIC!

WARBLERLAND

BLAINE: You know what guys? Suddenly I don't want to have the spotlight all to myself anymore.

WARBLERPODS: oh HAPPY DAY! Finally, a chance to shine! A chance to SING! LAAAA—

BLAINE: You are neither hot nor gay, STFU. KURT, you are the one that I DESIRE.

AUDIENCE: Was that more of that foreshadowing stuff?

CHOIR ROOM

SCHU: let's all work together and write us some hits! As teenagers, I fully expect you all to produce ART.

VARIOUS MEMBERS: We already wrote em! LAAAAAA… (many bad bad songs here)

VARIOUS MEMBERS: So how were they?

SCHUESTER: Suddenly I had a flashback to sex with Terri. God...Kay kids, let's try it again. We'll start easy: What rhymes with orange?

LOCKERS

QUINNY-POO: *Angelically* I love you SO much and we're gonna look SO pretty and I just can't wait for prom—

FINN: I dunnaknow…what about the Frumpy One? She's still in love with me and shit.

SCARYQUINN: YOU WILL DATE ME NOW, BITCH.

FINN: OK!

RACHEL: *prerequisite longing stare*

AUDIENCE: BOO, whore.

IN THE SECOND OF DALTON'S TWO ROOMS

KURT: *humming* boys, boys, boys, we like boys in cah-ars, boys boys boys, buy us drinks in bah-ars…

BLAINE: Hey Kurt, were you busy doing something gay? Well never mind that now, for I have a SPEECH!

KURT: Okay, what's u—

BLAINE: I LOVE YOU.

KURT: Wait, wha-*GETS HOT GAY KISS*

BLAINE: Um…so we should do something practical now…

KURT: I think I'm pregnant…

FANGIRLS: Now it's time for the SEX, right?

SCENE CHANGE

DOLLFACE & FANGIRLS: Damn.

NUDE ERECTIONS: We don't know how to write songs…

SCHU: I know, let's write a song about our FEELINGS!

NUDE ERECTIONS: aaaah, magic!

AUDITORIUM

RACHEL: I'm so glad we could be friends, Quinn-

QUINN: Kay Ho, you need a wake-up call. He is past the schoolgirl fetish. So GTFO. I will have him now, I will have him tomorrow, and I will be making many mildly attractive children with him while you use the sweaters you knitted for your 14 cats to dry your pathetic spinster tears.

AUDIENCE: Day-uhm.

RACHEL: GOD, THE PAIN. I will now have a depressed song-writing sequence.

KURT: Here, you can have the Kleenex.

SCENE CHANGE TO REGIONALS

KURT: Holy shit. HOLY shit. OmiPrada, OmiPrada-

BLAINE: Don't be nervous, my love, we can engage in carnal activities offscreen later.

FANFIC AUTHORS: Don't we know it.

KURT + BLAINE: LAAAAA...

OHIO CONSERVATIVES: FINALLY! The sodomites have revealed themselves! For overused-plot purposes, grab your pitchforks! We gonna roast us SOME GAYS-(conservatives get hogtied and locked in a closet offstage)

NEW DIRECTIONS TIME

RACHEL'S EYEBROWS: oh boy, it's Scrunchin' Time!

* EMOTIONAL SONG IS EMOTIONAL. *

TORN LESBIAN: Yeah, ho, sing it. Like your problems are so damn bad. I'll just SWAY.

COMBAT BOOTS: Thank god we're in the next song...

LOSERS: LAAAA, WE LOVE OURSELVES, LAAAA, AUTOTUNINESS, LAAAA, CLICHES, LAAAA...

COMBAT BOOTS: See? After hearing that, you're really grateful we're here, aren't you?

KURT: Oh look what I found in my Mary Poppins Bag! *flings projectiles*

RANDOM VOICE: That hit me in the EYE.

AUDIENCE (ONSCREEN): It's just a jump to the lef-Aw, damn. Well, we are standing now. *GOES WILD*

FANGIRLS: It's like they're singing MY HEART.

SCENE CHANGE

JUDGES: Like you don't already know.

BACK ONSTAGE

KIDS IN COMBAT BOOTS: We won! We won! EAT THAT, YOU WARBLER ASSHO-

SCHU: TV-14, GUYS!

KIDS IN COMBAT BOOTS: Good show, all around.

SCHU: YEAH, IMMAH TALKIN TO YOU, SUE! WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ON THAT, YOU CALLOUS WHO-

VERY ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

KURT: (looking solemnly at grave) I'll miss him.

BLAINE: Hey, it's not all bad. We could be doing this for our kids someday.

KURT: ...what?

BLAINE: I meant, we could be doing this...for the old people we sing to...someday.

KURT: Oh Blaine...you just know how to make me feel-MAGICAL...

FANGIRLS: Parksex, Parksex, Parksex...

CREDITS

FANGIRLS: DAMN.


End file.
